Wanna Come Inside My Head with Me? It's awfully scary in here...

Sunday, April 3, 2011


My heart's little compartments for love are just as endless as the stars, I have all sorts of friends, things, places & memories stored away here. I love people differently than I love, say…a banana split, but I love them both & it doesn't effect my love for any of them.
Sometimes I’m surprised by the things that I love. Like, my little Princess Leia. I was never a lover of little dogs, like my Leia, because I always had big protective dogs growing up. But now I have a Chihuahua that I ferociously love. She proudly rides shotgun in my heart & my ride, with her doggy ears blowing in the wind & her eyes squinting with satisfaction aka tears, with a dash of snot flying.

I love my inheritance. His name is Snookie Turner. He belonged to my beloved grandparents, Billy & Shirley. They helped my Mom raise my sisters & me. My baby sis, Mimoe gave him to them, he was a pup of her dog. My Papa was immediately smitten. My one of a kind Granny, pretended that she was 'irritated & inconvenienced" by him. After my Papa's death, this little dog became her world. My Granny passed almost exactly 2 years after my Papa did. She'd had back surgery & came home. We thought she was doing well. I saw her the day before & she was worried about her dog. He was already with me & my boys (we babysat him when she went out of town). I assured her not to worry, he was happy with me. He was being good. I'd take care of him, ' "just get better, Granny." She didn't get better. She didn't come home with any of us. We had to say goodbye. She had 3 blood clots, we were all around her bed as she took her last breath. I remember looking up, seeing her 4 children (3 sons & a daughter) & her 9 grandchildren. All gathered around her deathbed, weeping, being forced to let go, way to soon. I wondered if she could see us, feel our presence. My last words to her I know she heard. I asked her to rock my baby until I get there, hug & kiss, tell of my regret & love for her. "I love you, Granny. Go to Papa, he's waiting for you." I think of them every single day. They are always in my dreams, just there.

I love my family, each & everyone of them. My Momma, my sisters, my uncles, aunts & cousins. This weekend has been an extremely sad & devastating one for our family. My cousin & her husband have experienced a horrific tragedy, the loss of a child, a baby. I am overcome with memories of our childhood at our Granny & Papa Turner's house. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild, so my summers were spent watching over my younger sister & cousins. We spent many summer days traipsing all over my grandparents' land, playing "house" on the back porch, eating watermelon.. & sometimes: dirt, walking back & forth to each others houses, & endless sleepovers.
Now.. as I sit here, with my own 2 sons, I am heartbroken for her, for our childhood dreams of  a "Happily Ever After". How my cousin's world has crumbled around her & I feel utterly helpless to do a damn thing. What can I possibly say that would matter? Nothing. I wish I could do something, anything - help her in her pain. It's not fair. I don't understand this, God. It makes no sense to me but I know you are in control. I won't pretend to be perfect, I don't understand why this happened to them, I'm a little angry & confused.. so I weep for them, because words seem & sound so empty right now. I'll weep for all the despair they feel, the guilt.. the anger. I weep & I pray.

 I can hug her, cry with her. I'll let her scream her rage out at me, anything to attempt to help, somehow. I try to remember, that my Granny & Papa have 1 more "Turner" in heaven now.. sweet little one, HW. One more little one for Granny & Papa, they have a couple of great grandchildren with them now, but it seems... "not enough". Not enough to encompass their pain, the pain I see on their faces. To help ease the ache, even just a little bit.

The "Happily Ever After" is a myth. From the sadness, violence, & just plain wrongness in the world, how can there be?
Please pray for my family, the mother is my cousin, Victoria & her husband, Eric. And of course, her siblings & the grandparents & our crew: The "T" Family & The "W" Family. Bless this family Lord. Let them feel your peace.