Wanna Come Inside My Head with Me? It's awfully scary in here...

Sunday, April 3, 2011


My heart's little compartments for love are just as endless as the stars, I have all sorts of friends, things, places & memories stored away here. I love people differently than I love, say…a banana split, but I love them both & it doesn't effect my love for any of them.
Sometimes I’m surprised by the things that I love. Like, my little Princess Leia. I was never a lover of little dogs, like my Leia, because I always had big protective dogs growing up. But now I have a Chihuahua that I ferociously love. She proudly rides shotgun in my heart & my ride, with her doggy ears blowing in the wind & her eyes squinting with satisfaction aka tears, with a dash of snot flying.

I love my inheritance. His name is Snookie Turner. He belonged to my beloved grandparents, Billy & Shirley. They helped my Mom raise my sisters & me. My baby sis, Mimoe gave him to them, he was a pup of her dog. My Papa was immediately smitten. My one of a kind Granny, pretended that she was 'irritated & inconvenienced" by him. After my Papa's death, this little dog became her world. My Granny passed almost exactly 2 years after my Papa did. She'd had back surgery & came home. We thought she was doing well. I saw her the day before & she was worried about her dog. He was already with me & my boys (we babysat him when she went out of town). I assured her not to worry, he was happy with me. He was being good. I'd take care of him, ' "just get better, Granny." She didn't get better. She didn't come home with any of us. We had to say goodbye. She had 3 blood clots, we were all around her bed as she took her last breath. I remember looking up, seeing her 4 children (3 sons & a daughter) & her 9 grandchildren. All gathered around her deathbed, weeping, being forced to let go, way to soon. I wondered if she could see us, feel our presence. My last words to her I know she heard. I asked her to rock my baby until I get there, hug & kiss, tell of my regret & love for her. "I love you, Granny. Go to Papa, he's waiting for you." I think of them every single day. They are always in my dreams, just there.

I love my family, each & everyone of them. My Momma, my sisters, my uncles, aunts & cousins. This weekend has been an extremely sad & devastating one for our family. My cousin & her husband have experienced a horrific tragedy, the loss of a child, a baby. I am overcome with memories of our childhood at our Granny & Papa Turner's house. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild, so my summers were spent watching over my younger sister & cousins. We spent many summer days traipsing all over my grandparents' land, playing "house" on the back porch, eating watermelon.. & sometimes: dirt, walking back & forth to each others houses, & endless sleepovers.
Now.. as I sit here, with my own 2 sons, I am heartbroken for her, for our childhood dreams of  a "Happily Ever After". How my cousin's world has crumbled around her & I feel utterly helpless to do a damn thing. What can I possibly say that would matter? Nothing. I wish I could do something, anything - help her in her pain. It's not fair. I don't understand this, God. It makes no sense to me but I know you are in control. I won't pretend to be perfect, I don't understand why this happened to them, I'm a little angry & confused.. so I weep for them, because words seem & sound so empty right now. I'll weep for all the despair they feel, the guilt.. the anger. I weep & I pray.

 I can hug her, cry with her. I'll let her scream her rage out at me, anything to attempt to help, somehow. I try to remember, that my Granny & Papa have 1 more "Turner" in heaven now.. sweet little one, HW. One more little one for Granny & Papa, they have a couple of great grandchildren with them now, but it seems... "not enough". Not enough to encompass their pain, the pain I see on their faces. To help ease the ache, even just a little bit.

The "Happily Ever After" is a myth. From the sadness, violence, & just plain wrongness in the world, how can there be?
Please pray for my family, the mother is my cousin, Victoria & her husband, Eric. And of course, her siblings & the grandparents & our crew: The "T" Family & The "W" Family. Bless this family Lord. Let them feel your peace.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Most Ignorant & Narcissistic Person of the Year" Award, goes to...

This person is such a joke. Really, her video clip today made me vomit a little. Her name is Palin. Sarah Palin, and she literally makes me sick.

She is absolutely the dumbest (and I don't use that word in my life), most cowardly and narcissistic person I have EVER had the misfortune of hearing babble complete NONSENSE! Uh, YOU are responsible, Sarah Palin! You posted it on your page, knew what it looked like and the tone there-in, yet approved it. If this killer is mentally ill, he's not entirely at fault. The leaders of this nation act like bickering toddlers, spouting hateful and violent words back and forth, an example... and I quote, "Don't retreat, reload." You even said , "18 down, 2 to go.."! WTF is wrong with you? Since when is it acceptable to speak to/refer to ANY human being in the MANY, many ways you have? God help us if "leaders" (and I use that term extremely loosely) shock jocks, and HATE SPEWERS like you continue your IGNORANT RANTS and ACTIONS! You should be ASS-shamed! Be a WOMAN and accept your fault in this! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES! Putting a Crosshair on a state (but many), then list people's names? Are you serious? And it's everyone else's fault but yours too? What about Rush Limbaugh's billboard in Tucson, AZ ( http://gawker.com/5732700/ ). Yeah sure, it's everyone else's fault right? You all are JOKES! Start acting like grown ups and STOP IT NOW,  the rhetorical hateful violence... it has to end, NOW! Disgraceful is what you all are.... you should be ashamed. Especially, Palin.

*** Yes my pals, I know she (Palin) won't see this, but I put it out into the Universe and Karma.... that's good for me. Ugh, she is so sad and clueless

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tale of a Scottish Fisherman & how I "get it"

The story is of an old Scottish fisherman who was having afternoon tea with some friends in a little tearoom by the sea. As he was describing some of his fishing exploits of the day, his hand accidentally knocked over his cup of tea. An ugly, brown tea stain appeared on the freshly whitewashed wall beside him.
"Never mind about the stain," said a friend as he rose from his chair & drew from his pocket a brown crayon. There emerged from that ugly, brown tea stain a magnificent stag with antlers spread & back arched. The friend of the fisherman was one of England's most famous painters.

Usually, our lives are full of ugly, brown tea stains that splash against whitewashed walls. In my kingdom, there often seems to be way more obstacles than opportunities, more pain than pleasure, more CHAOS than calm, more deep hurts than happiness, & more tension than tenderness.
Romans 8:28 says, (in my interpretation) that I must believe that as a woman/wife/mother who is grounded in Jesus - that God is using everything in my life to make me more like Him. Together, He & I can take the tea stains in my life & make something extraordinary out of them. That is what I have found to be true in my own life.
And when God says that's what He can & will do for me, only my "unbelief" keeps me from being the mommy & wife that He wants me to be. I do believe God, there is no end to my possibilities.

Another mom's blog, "Try Defying Gravity" trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com  said this morning (I am giving her all the credit for this amazing quote of her's) "I'm not the mother I thought I'd be, I'm the mother I have to be."  Thanks for your blog post this morning, girl! You encouraged ME!
For us parents of children with disorders (ASD, ADHD, Bipolar, ODD, etc.) disabilities, or just issues, etc., this quote rings true & gives us mommies strength. It's not easy, not at all.. but in my life, Jesus is there to hold me up & whisper, "We got this, girl... look at that old tea stain from 1998 & what we did with it! You are worthy & I will love you always." Wow... what a feeling!

**Credits**: Try Defying Gravity@wordpress.com, Quote:" I'm not the mother I thought I'd be, I'm the mother I have to be."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Queen is... she just IS.

In Heavenly Love abiding,
no change my heart shall fear.
And safe is such confiding
for nothing changes here.

The storm may roar around me,
my heart may low, be laid 
but God is round about me
so how can I be dismayed?

Wherever He may guide me,
no fear shall turn me back.
My Shepherd is beside me
and nothing shall I lack.

His wisdom ever waketh.
His sight will never dim.
He knows the way to taketh
and I will walk with him.

Green pastures are before me,
which yet I have not seen.
Bright skies will soon be o'er me
where the darkest of clouds have been.

My hope cannot be measured,
my path to my life is free.
My Savior is my treasure
and He will walk with me.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Round & round we go...

 Great. Just made my Friday, not that weekends mean crappola around here, with kids anyway! Just got an email from MC's teachers... not good people, not good. Let's start this trip to I & C kingdom from the beginning of this curious development.
Both Mini's had checkups w/our PCP yesterday afternoon. Well... HT decides this is not to his liking, (not really surprised, he hates ANY veer off ROUTINE) & proceeds to throw magazines, books, & himself all over the floor of the doc's waiting room. This part is carpeted, so I was not freaking as I would usually. The waiting room is full & he is having a NUCLEAR MELTDOWN whilst re-arranging their seating areas. Shouting, "I wanna go HOME, NOW MOMMY!" We'd already been waiting since the docs were a little busy & behind. After pleading with him to calm himself & to stay 'seated' instead of sprawled on the floor, kicking.. I go ask how much longer, then can I reschedule? I know EVERYONE was staring, I mean.. that's what people do that are clueless & have no idea he has ASD. So we dip that popsicle stand... he then asks me, "Go to Burger King"? (Yeah, I suck, so what of it?  I treat them.. no bribe them to be good at the doc's & we'll go get a 'treat'. We do not eat out much at all).  I wanted to bang my head into the steering wheel! Uh, no Little Man.. you showed out, you wanted to go home.. we're going HOME!
So, on the 7 minute ride home, I ask MC for his report card, they came out yesterday. He did not get his because Jedidad picked him up early for the appointment (also found this out in teacher email).  So then, I look in rearview mirror & see him playing with a motorcycle that is not ours. I ask about it & get this as a reply, "I got it from the prize box, I made a 100 on my practice test in math." Huh... already suspicious, this has happened before with his non existent impulse control w/ADHD, Bipolar, & ODD issues.
So, this morning I email his HR teacher & ask my questions. Sure enough, in less than an hour, I have a reply. She asked him about the toy, it belongs to another classmate & he says he knew that, just wanted it & says, he didn't take the right medicine this morning. WHAT? I give him his meds, he took the right ones but yes, we are still 'tweaking" them. NOT an excuse Mommy's gonna accept. He knows right from wrong. Did I mention over the weekend he stuck his finger in hot sauce & proceeded to poke said finger in HT's eyeball? Oh yeah, that was a blast!

She then informs me he's gotten a STP report (stop, think, plan) from another of his teachers for yelling, multiple times during class & practice test. Why? It's Friday man, just go have a fun day.. you've done nothing all week, short week cause of Holidays! Gosh!

Mommy needs an island, not this Isle of Confusion... sand, sun & a pitcher of Mojitos - no drama. Yeah, that'll NEVER happen.. but it's my "happy place".

Peace out,
 The Queen

At 5pm they turn very Gremlin like

My Mini's, it never fails. Right on the dot, every single evening at 5pm, they turn into gremlins. For realz. I have never seen such demanding little terrors. And they eat all the time, & I mean all the time!  Since when in our little kingdom did we begin to eat at 4 or 5pm, like Senior citizens (no offense)? Time I get them in from school, (detour off routine today) it begins... & does not end until they are blissfully unconscious, wait.. that's not true. MC has been know to get up from a dead sleep, come out of bedroom & ask for a snack. Uhm.. don't think so short stuff. Best go gnaw on your toys as always!  Or better yet, go check under your bed & in your closet (I found a friggin cupcake, a WHOLE cupcake just thrown in the closet) you food thief! I'll get myself in there & cook something up when I'm good & ready! Not cause you say so. Deal with it.


Yo Momma