Wanna Come Inside My Head with Me? It's awfully scary in here...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mini vans,

Holy roley poley! I drive a minivan too, I'm the Notorious B.I. "itch"! I call it "Shuttle Craft Lowe", get it? So silly & dumb. I swore I'd never drive one... oh how hilarious this life can be! Being broke & kid crazy changed that "idea" quick! But when we "go away" somewhere, I'm sure glad I have that.. as you put it, "losermobile", cause I can move that  backseat ... all the way to the back! Now you'll feel like your on a roller coaster & be nauseous! "Nah, nah, nah... I can't hear you.. la la la lala.... I'm driving over a bridge now, "Are you scared Mommy?"! I know how it freaks you out!!". "Silence. I'm trying to concentrate." sayeth the Queen of Insanity & Chaos.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


My heart's little compartments for love are just as endless as the stars, I have all sorts of friends, things, places & memories stored away here. I love people differently than I love, say…a banana split, but I love them both & it doesn't effect my love for any of them.
Sometimes I’m surprised by the things that I love. Like, my little Princess Leia. I was never a lover of little dogs, like my Leia, because I always had big protective dogs growing up. But now I have a Chihuahua that I ferociously love. She proudly rides shotgun in my heart & my ride, with her doggy ears blowing in the wind & her eyes squinting with satisfaction aka tears, with a dash of snot flying.

I love my inheritance. His name is Snookie Turner. He belonged to my beloved grandparents, Billy & Shirley. They helped my Mom raise my sisters & me. My baby sis, Mimoe gave him to them, he was a pup of her dog. My Papa was immediately smitten. My one of a kind Granny, pretended that she was 'irritated & inconvenienced" by him. After my Papa's death, this little dog became her world. My Granny passed almost exactly 2 years after my Papa did. She'd had back surgery & came home. We thought she was doing well. I saw her the day before & she was worried about her dog. He was already with me & my boys (we babysat him when she went out of town). I assured her not to worry, he was happy with me. He was being good. I'd take care of him, ' "just get better, Granny." She didn't get better. She didn't come home with any of us. We had to say goodbye. She had 3 blood clots, we were all around her bed as she took her last breath. I remember looking up, seeing her 4 children (3 sons & a daughter) & her 9 grandchildren. All gathered around her deathbed, weeping, being forced to let go, way to soon. I wondered if she could see us, feel our presence. My last words to her I know she heard. I asked her to rock my baby until I get there, hug & kiss, tell of my regret & love for her. "I love you, Granny. Go to Papa, he's waiting for you." I think of them every single day. They are always in my dreams, just there.

I love my family, each & everyone of them. My Momma, my sisters, my uncles, aunts & cousins. This weekend has been an extremely sad & devastating one for our family. My cousin & her husband have experienced a horrific tragedy, the loss of a child, a baby. I am overcome with memories of our childhood at our Granny & Papa Turner's house. I am the 2nd oldest grandchild, so my summers were spent watching over my younger sister & cousins. We spent many summer days traipsing all over my grandparents' land, playing "house" on the back porch, eating watermelon.. & sometimes: dirt, walking back & forth to each others houses, & endless sleepovers.
Now.. as I sit here, with my own 2 sons, I am heartbroken for her, for our childhood dreams of  a "Happily Ever After". How my cousin's world has crumbled around her & I feel utterly helpless to do a damn thing. What can I possibly say that would matter? Nothing. I wish I could do something, anything - help her in her pain. It's not fair. I don't understand this, God. It makes no sense to me but I know you are in control. I won't pretend to be perfect, I don't understand why this happened to them, I'm a little angry & confused.. so I weep for them, because words seem & sound so empty right now. I'll weep for all the despair they feel, the guilt.. the anger. I weep & I pray.

 I can hug her, cry with her. I'll let her scream her rage out at me, anything to attempt to help, somehow. I try to remember, that my Granny & Papa have 1 more "Turner" in heaven now.. sweet little one, HW. One more little one for Granny & Papa, they have a couple of great grandchildren with them now, but it seems... "not enough". Not enough to encompass their pain, the pain I see on their faces. To help ease the ache, even just a little bit.

The "Happily Ever After" is a myth. From the sadness, violence, & just plain wrongness in the world, how can there be?
Please pray for my family, the mother is my cousin, Victoria & her husband, Eric. And of course, her siblings & the grandparents & our crew: The "T" Family & The "W" Family. Bless this family Lord. Let them feel your peace.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Most Ignorant & Narcissistic Person of the Year" Award, goes to...

This person is such a joke. Really, her video clip today made me vomit a little. Her name is Palin. Sarah Palin, and she literally makes me sick.

She is absolutely the dumbest (and I don't use that word in my life), most cowardly and narcissistic person I have EVER had the misfortune of hearing babble complete NONSENSE! Uh, YOU are responsible, Sarah Palin! You posted it on your page, knew what it looked like and the tone there-in, yet approved it. If this killer is mentally ill, he's not entirely at fault. The leaders of this nation act like bickering toddlers, spouting hateful and violent words back and forth, an example... and I quote, "Don't retreat, reload." You even said , "18 down, 2 to go.."! WTF is wrong with you? Since when is it acceptable to speak to/refer to ANY human being in the MANY, many ways you have? God help us if "leaders" (and I use that term extremely loosely) shock jocks, and HATE SPEWERS like you continue your IGNORANT RANTS and ACTIONS! You should be ASS-shamed! Be a WOMAN and accept your fault in this! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES! Putting a Crosshair on a state (but many), then list people's names? Are you serious? And it's everyone else's fault but yours too? What about Rush Limbaugh's billboard in Tucson, AZ ( http://gawker.com/5732700/ ). Yeah sure, it's everyone else's fault right? You all are JOKES! Start acting like grown ups and STOP IT NOW,  the rhetorical hateful violence... it has to end, NOW! Disgraceful is what you all are.... you should be ashamed. Especially, Palin.

*** Yes my pals, I know she (Palin) won't see this, but I put it out into the Universe and Karma.... that's good for me. Ugh, she is so sad and clueless

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tale of a Scottish Fisherman & how I "get it"

The story is of an old Scottish fisherman who was having afternoon tea with some friends in a little tearoom by the sea. As he was describing some of his fishing exploits of the day, his hand accidentally knocked over his cup of tea. An ugly, brown tea stain appeared on the freshly whitewashed wall beside him.
"Never mind about the stain," said a friend as he rose from his chair & drew from his pocket a brown crayon. There emerged from that ugly, brown tea stain a magnificent stag with antlers spread & back arched. The friend of the fisherman was one of England's most famous painters.

Usually, our lives are full of ugly, brown tea stains that splash against whitewashed walls. In my kingdom, there often seems to be way more obstacles than opportunities, more pain than pleasure, more CHAOS than calm, more deep hurts than happiness, & more tension than tenderness.
Romans 8:28 says, (in my interpretation) that I must believe that as a woman/wife/mother who is grounded in Jesus - that God is using everything in my life to make me more like Him. Together, He & I can take the tea stains in my life & make something extraordinary out of them. That is what I have found to be true in my own life.
And when God says that's what He can & will do for me, only my "unbelief" keeps me from being the mommy & wife that He wants me to be. I do believe God, there is no end to my possibilities.

Another mom's blog, "Try Defying Gravity" trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com  said this morning (I am giving her all the credit for this amazing quote of her's) "I'm not the mother I thought I'd be, I'm the mother I have to be."  Thanks for your blog post this morning, girl! You encouraged ME!
For us parents of children with disorders (ASD, ADHD, Bipolar, ODD, etc.) disabilities, or just issues, etc., this quote rings true & gives us mommies strength. It's not easy, not at all.. but in my life, Jesus is there to hold me up & whisper, "We got this, girl... look at that old tea stain from 1998 & what we did with it! You are worthy & I will love you always." Wow... what a feeling!

**Credits**: Try Defying Gravity@wordpress.com, Quote:" I'm not the mother I thought I'd be, I'm the mother I have to be."